Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! We're not just running a campaign in 2028; we're launching a national intervention! Our platform is simple: We demand the White House be 100% bribe-free, and we plan to start by making sure no future president can install a disco ball with dark money. Our mission is to cleanse the capital of all financial chicanery disguised as opulence.
Welcome to the new Democratic Platform, a seven-point plan for maximum accountability and minimum gaudiness!
🔨 Phase 1: Operation Ballroom Blitz (The Tear-Down)
1. Tear Down the White House East Wing Ballroom:
We don't need a ballroom, we need a Hall of Transparency. We will replace that structure with a beautiful, federally-mandated Greenhouse and Wellness Center, featuring a mandatory nap room, and we will grow kale for the entire West Wing staff and feature a public, glass-bottom floor showing exactly where the money didn't go. The wrecking crew will wear "Money Laundering Cleanup Crew" T-shirts, and the whole thing will be live-streamed with a running financial commentary.
🕵️ Phase 2: The Pay-to-Play Purge
2. Investigate Every Donor:
We will launch Operation: Quid Pro NO! Every donor will be investigated for bribery, pay-to-play, quid pro quo, money laundering, and tax fraud. We'll start with the person who donated the most expensive velvet wallpaper—that's just suspicious on principle. We will name the investigation team the "Federal Bureau of Financial Flavorlessness."
3. Cancel All Government Contracts:
All contracts tied to these donors will be canceled. The next administration will instead award all new contracts based on a blind bidding process judged by a panel of non-partisan, public-school librarians. Because let's face it, nobody is better at following rules than a librarian.
4. Ban from Government Contracts for Four Years:
Any corporation found to have played the influence game will be banned from obtaining government contracts for four years. This is our "Time-Out for Tycoons." They can use that time to reflect on their choices and read the Constitution. Out loud. In front of a mirror.
5. Reverse Government Actions (The Un-Do Button):
If any mergers, acquisitions, or sweetheart deals went through during the period of the donations, they will be reversed. We'll call it the "It's Not a Deal Anymore Deal." We'll send the CEOs a nice, hand-written note that simply says, "Return to Sender, Address Unknown."
6. Reinstate Terminated Investigations:
Any investigation that was abruptly dropped will be reinstated and handled by an independent prosecutor whose only compensation is the satisfaction of a job well done. And maybe a year's supply of that White House kale.
✈️ Phase 3: The Plane and the Partners
7. For the President's Plane:
- The President's Plane: Sink it to create the world's most luxurious, yet ironically titled, "Reef of Regulatory Relief." Or melt it down to forge 300 million commemorative "I Didn't Get Bribed" spoons.
- Cancel Foreign Agreements: Replace them with agreements to exchange national recipes, bad political jokes, and non-binding advice on how to raise a flock of pigeons.
8. Cancel Foreign Agreements:
- Replace them with agreements to exchange national recipes, bad political jokes, and non-binding advice on how to raise a flock of pigeons.
On the other hand we’ll be accepting from foreign dignitaries a customary fruit basket, and we’ll check that thoroughly for unmarked bills🤗
The New National Motto:
The New National Motto:
"We Will Not Be Bought. We Will Not Be Bribed. Morality Fist! Now Go Take a Nap."
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